My Mother

Where to begin to describe my Mother?  I have no clue, so I will jump right in with what first comes to mind. Strong, unshakable, loving, quiet and steady.  I have always known my Mom, Joan,  to be a strong woman. From way back, when I was little, I thought she was the most beautiful woman with her blond up-do or bun, or braid that wrapped around her bun. When she put on her nurses uniform, she was so lovely in all her white. I loved when she would take me to her bowling team on Tuesdays, when I had a half-day of school, and even grocery shopping with her every Friday.
 She was so busy, with all of her kids, but even when she was not working or cleaning, her hands where always doing something. Knitting, crocheting or sewing dresses.  I did spend a lot of time with my Dad because my Mom worked at the Hospital from 3 til midnight. Her work ethic was and is,  impeccable. I remember when she would get a lift to work, on a neighbor's snow machine, to the Hospital because she was needed, during the Blizzard of '78.
My Mom is  not overly expressive in her love like my Dad was,  but her love has always been a constant certainty, although she is getting a bit mushier( Is that a word?). Regardless, she has always been a comfort to be around, as I have said before, being with her is like sitting by a warm fire.
 I have very fond memories of her letting me help her make pies during the holidays, and letting me be creative in the kitchen sometimes, making butterscotch or other goodies.  I remember one strange raisin pie I made for a neighbor.  As for me being a little kid, I was a real pip. Sort of spoiled, well, make that plain old spoiled.  I didn't like to clean up and was just this side of naughty. But, seriously, who can stay mad at a little girl with curly hair called JoJo?
 Growing up , she taught me, or attempted to teach me how to sew, crochet and knit. I am left-handed so my projects were not very fruitful. But, she would try again, with craft projects, making Christmas ornaments, or bunny hats for the new babies being born at the Hospital Nursery .
 As a teenager,  I was brainless, and unnappreciative. Not realizing how hard she was working, I would go to bed and leave the dirty dishes in the sink. I regret to this day the sound of her coming home at midnight cleaning up.
I never really remember my Mom being overly emotional or teary-eyed. I suppose that's because her maiden name was Schultz, therefore being German somehow. I only remember standing on a footstool, and having her hugging me and crying when she came home from a vacation with Dad, when my brother David, died in a car accident. I remember her holding on to me and me asking her why she was crying. Other than that, she was always level headed, until her menopause hit , then, watch out. But thats a different story.
 Since I have been diagnosed with cancer, I can see in my mother her softer side. particularly when she was caring for my Dad as he was ill and eventually passed away. I was amazed by her strength and energy and her capacity to handle tough times with Dad, yet still take care of everything, with a house full of grown children, up in Maine.  She amazed me and still does.
She has been caring for me for so long, and her touch and hugs are so warm and comforting.
From encouraging me through the delivery of my two boys, and flying out to NV to help me when Sarah was born, to listening to me cry about my illness and trying to keep me calm.
Since this last diagnosis she has been with me every chance she gets, and I see and even more caring facet of her.   The look in her eyes,  as she helps me deal with bad news and good news, is so beautiful and unexpressible of a Mothers Love.
 I mean the woman is 83, give her some props! My Mom has the most beautiful blue eyes, and today as she greeted me this morning and those eyes where so clear and lovely and she looked ageless. I am so thankful to the Lord for allowing me to spend this time together, even though it is tough on us and bittersweet.
 I love to hug her and share thoughts with her. Our relationship is still very much one of Mother and Daughter, but changing as we face challenges together. There's no way to ever express my thankfulness, love or appreciation to her. She is so remarkable. As my sister, Dawne and I say,"We have the best Mom". There's so may things I could thank her for. Sitting quietly on a hard chair waiting for me to recover from heart cath, while her knitting needles click-clacked.
 I am rambling, but I had such a lovely day with her,today, and the look in her face now when she says good-bye and I love you, makes me so happy.
 I am so thankful to the Lord for her, and can only pray to be as caring, giving and strong as she has been. Thanks for letting me gush a bit. She deserves so much more. Perhaps a poem, but I am super awful at poetry. I just wanted to attempt to express my love a gratitude for such a wonderful Mom.
 I love you, Mom, forever and always.
JoJo

Feeling Pretty Good

Hi friends,
Just a little update.  I am feeling physically pretty well, this week, which is great because last treatment, at this point, I was so sore and achy from chemo, but, this time, I only had a few days of aches and pains.  I also feel like my little ticker is getting stronger.  I've been taking longer walks and not getting so tired.  I still like my naps though, especially with my dogs on the sofa.
Spring break is this week for my kiddos and I'm not sure what to do with them to keep them entertained.  Hmmm.  Probably lame stuff according to them.
I think my boys will going on an overnight bus tour to Orlando with their Youth group, so that will be cool.  Sarah is not one to enjoy getting her nails done, but maybe I can convince her.  Quite a few of her friends will be gone on trips during the week, so she and I will be pal-ling around together a bit.  Luckily the pool is warm enough to swim in.  I can not believe she is going to be 12 in a week or so.  My little pink baby...
My sister, Dawne, just headed back home this morning.  I was very sad to see her go.  We had a nice time visiting and talking and enjoying each other.  She was a big help and keep me busy. Plus, she cleaned our pool!  Bonus!
Well, everything is Status Quo here for right now, which is fine with me.  A heart Dr. appt, this week, then chemo next.   I think that will put me at the halfway mark.  I still have my eyebrows(which I am NOT plucking) eyelashes, but they are dwindling, arm hair and little peach fuzz on my lip.  I don't care.  I am taking a hiatus from any more hair removal!
As for my mental status, I appreciate prayers for that too.  This cancer stuff is really draining, mentally, and I have always been a big baby.  I get some serious blues sometimes and tend to act like a hermit when I go through treatment. Please don't take anything personally if I don't act social.  It's me, and it's a problem I need to contend with.  Life goes on, and so should mine.  I let my illness dictate a lot of my time.  I don't consider it a weakness, but I do know that The Lord wants me to change that aspect, and He is growing me that way, although I have been resisting Him, lately.  I hope you can glance at the scripture that I've included up in the right hand corner of the page.  It's a site I go to often that offers a lot of info and commentary as well as a daily scripture.  I really enjoy feedback from my friends, thank you.  Please don't hesitate to post  a comment or complaint or swift kick in my pants if you wish.
Once again, thanks for continued prayers for healing , strength and peace for my family and I.
We are blessed by it.
Love,
Jo

My Chunky Life - Guest Blogger Betty

I often think of my life in Chunks.  Each time I’m in a chunk, it seems as if it will last forever. For instance, when I was a little girl, I thought I would always live at home and have my mom there to take care of me. I would always have my own room, surrounded by my favorite stuffed animals and toys. Summers seemed to go by quickly but waiting for Christmas took forever. Now it’s the opposite….summer drags on and Christmas comes and goes in the blink of an eye.

When childhood ended and I entered the rocky teen years, I again thought that time of life would last forever. My best friend Dorothy and I would always be close, sharing talk of boys and makeup and clothes. Again, my mom would always be there to take care of me and love me unconditionally. Now Dorothy is in another state and we have lost touch.

Then came the college years. Those were good years, in a way. I learned a lot about life, how to make my way in the world, and how to make an awesome macaroni and cheese casserole. (Box of Kraft, can of tuna, can of peas.) Once again, I thought that time would never end. And again, mom would always be there to listen to me and love me. Thankfully, I no longer live in a dorm or eat Kraft mac and cheese. It’s Velveeta all the way now.

Fast forward to the young adult time. I had nobody to care for except myself. I worked, dated, exercised regularly and saw all the latest movies. I slept late on weekends. Worked on my tan. Improved my macaroni and cheese casserole recipe. (Add breadcrumbs and a side salad.) I spent time at mom’s house watching General Hospital  and the Galloping Gourmet and Jeapardy. Now I exercise sporadically and occasionally see a movie. Yes, I will be at the 12:01 a.m. showing of The Hunger Games on March 23.

When I got married, I moved into a new chunk of life. It was a time full of promise. I read ­Bride magazine and House Beautiful and (ashamedly) Cosmopolitan, absorbing all of the tips and techniques of being a good wife. My husband and I would go boating, to the beach, or out with friends. There were no huge responsibilities except work and learning how share living space. (I always got the larger share of the closet, bless his heart.)

The next chunk of my life was bittersweet. Our first child, Emily, was born and my mother died in the span of about 13 months. As I write this, tears are leaking from a place I thought was healed. I do miss her terribly. She was funny and smart and loved me. Around that time I began to realize that nothing lasts forever, except the love of God which is in Christ Jesus. Good times do not last, but neither do bad times.

Emily was (is) the joy of my life. I poured out my love on her, reading all the books about parenting I could get my hands on. I volunteered to be a Sunday School teacher, I went to playgroups and parks and theme parks. I read Goodnight Moon and sang “Jesus Loves Me” to this little bundle of goodness. I even made up a song for her “She’s my little Emily, she’s my tiny tender pea”. That’s one I made up as I was re-creating the above mentioned casserole, this time using frozen “tiny tender” peas. Those were such sweet days.

Seven years after Emily’s arrival, baby Lauren arrived to bless our family. Again, the days have been so sweet with Lauren.  When Lauren was a baby, I met Joann. Sarah and Lauren became friends when they were still in strollers!  

Right now I’m at the end of a chunk of my life. Little Emily is now a beautiful 18 year old who will graduate high school in May. Thank God He has taught me to “number my days aright” so I do not take any of this for granted. My youngest is becoming confident and independent. I know that in the not too distant future I will let them both find their way in life. I’m also glad that God has taught me that these girls are not mine. They are His, and I am blessed to be here to teach them His ways.

And why am I writing all of this on Joann’s blog? Well, it’s to try to explain my view of the chunkiness of life and to express my feelings about how fortunate I am to have her as a my friend in this chunk of life and as a friend for eternity in our future with Christ.

Good News!

Dr.S said the tumors in my lungs have shrunk dramatically, and the liver one looks smaller , too.  So relieved.  Got chemo today and I was never so thrilled to have it.  It's a good sign that chemo is working.
I thank the Lord for His Mercies

Do You Really want to know How I Am?

Not that great.  This is an unapologetic post because I am feeling pretty messed up. ( I will probably apologize for something anyway).
Things are starting to sink in and I feel lousy.  These tumors in my lungs have got me so upset and worried.  I know, I know, it's all in God's hands, but I am really tired after 11 yrs , dealing with worry, and the doubt and the unknown.
I had a CAT scan today to see if the chemo is working, and I go get the results tomorrow from Dr. S, but I feel like I am living in a fishbowl.  Can I complain, will it bum you out?
I don't want to worry or upset you, but I get asked all the time how I am, and I want to be fine and tell people I'm ok, but I am having a hard time.
First off, I'm not doing much as a Mother.  My kids are sort of hanging on their own, and I am not doing much with them.  Too tired in the afternoon, and I nap.  I wonder if I am napping because I am tired or it I want to tune it all out.  I really do want to tune my problems out.  Sleeping takes me away.  It's kinda sad.
How long will I be passing time?  I really want to have joy, and peace.  If I can ask you to add me to your prayer list for that I would love it.
I've never really been ill before, when going through chemo the ....four other times.  This time, I just feel plain awful.  My voice gives out, it's hard to breath and my body feels weak.  It's not like I'm a powerhouse or a big go getter, but I used to be up for anything.  Now , I really just want to be home.
I'm sure it's depression, I've been dealing with it for a while, and medicate for it, but it goes a little deeper.
I guess I figured that I could beat this cancer, that it would go away, and I would someday be totally healed from it, but cancer is so unpredictable.  It seems like mine is a real stinker.
There is a good way and a bad way I look at it, depending on my mood.  Good Mood= Thank you   Lord, that I am here, 11 yrs later.  Bad Mood= Really, Lord, I thought I would be healed the first time, four recurrences, why?  Just get rid of it already, I know you are able.
It's just the way I am, no excuses.  God can handle it.
I'm not being the kind of wife I should be.  I love my husband so much.  I want to support and love him and focus on him and help him with the load we are bearing.  He is carrying so much of it.  I'm letting him, and feeling sorry for myself.  It's a hard thing looking in the mirror when you are bald, no breasts, no hair, and blah.  Not the sexy Momma I used to be.  I know he loves me no matter what and that is just a blessing.  It's got to be exhausting for him.  Ten yrs before cancer, eleven yrs after.  It's been tough.
Wow, this is a sob fest, but I have to get it out.
I miss my ministry at the Hospital, and being there for friends that could use my help.  I am blessed to have friends praying for God to give me a ministry that I can do at home.
Well, enough of that.
I am going for results tomorrow to see if the tumors have shrunk, and overall I feel I have an ok chance that they have, but in reality, they may never go away, and this disease could bring me Home to be with the Lord.  I don't think I am ready yet.
How do I do it?  How do I let go of the dreams I have of seeing your children grow up and have babies? How do I let go?
I'm jumping ahead, I know, but these thoughts go through my head, I'm not there yet.  Let it go, Joann.
Think Positive, Think Positive, It's a lot harder than you think.  I try, I do , but I've been burned a few times.  I almost feel bad typing negative stuff.
Well, bottom line, I'm wearing a vest for possible heart failure, have compression stockings for a seriously low blood pressure( which I am not wearing, because they hurt), on twelve different medicines, can't talk very well, and have 6 tumors  in my lungs and one in my liver from a breast cancer that I have been living with for 11 yrs.  I'm sad, and scared.  I wish I could find a good scripture from the Bible to put here, so that I could make it all sound hopeful.  I know God's promises and I am not letting go of them.  He will get me through this part of my journey.  He will give me the strength I need for every day.  I'm super nervous about results tomorrow.  I really just want to go sleep now, but I know when I wake up tomorrow, it all comes flooding back.  I hate that!
Everyone has got issues and problems.  People die tragically, children, young adults and women my age.
I've got lots of people around me to support me and love me, but...I don't want to go yet...
That's the end of my really pathetic rant.
I'll let you know what the Dr says tomorrow.  I know I'll be ok no matter what but shrinkage can be a good thing.
Love you all.  I know this was whiny.  I apologize, whoops, I said I wouldn't do that, Sorry..darn, I did it again!

G'night,
Joann

Sarah got Baptized today

Here's some Photos.  We are so blessed. All three kiddos have taken the plunge! Praise the Lord.

Ephesians 4:4-6 New International Version (NIV) 4 There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called to one hope when you were called; 5 one Lord, one faith, one baptism; 6 one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.

Have you any good reason to be angry?

That verse is from Jonah 4:4, when Jonah is angry about the Lord showing mercy on Ninaveh.  The whole story of Jonah makes me think about things.  I haven't done a study on it, but I've read a message or two about it.
 I never saw it as God's mercy for a fish to save him from drowning and deliver him to where he was supposed to go.

 A terrible circumstance that was actually God's mercy for Jonah and Ninevah.  At the end of the book of Jonah,he is so distraught that he wants God to take his life.
I can't really relate to that, but I have had my angry moments for my situation, my illness, and have not seen how God is using to bless others.  I don't want to do this, this cancer stuff, appts, tests, chemo, just like Jonah did not want to go to that city.  I get angry and depressed about this path, but just like God asks Jonah, "Have you any good reason to be angry?", I feel like He is asking me that same question.  Sometimes it is so clear, I have my salvation, I have Jesus. All this and Jesus too!  I can't remember who said that?  Spurgeon maybe? I have my wonderful husband, children that have accepted Christ as their Savior, a loving family that take such good care of me, and the most amazing girlfriends who love the Lord and encourage me and teach me so much about the love of the Lord and His promises for me.  What reason do I have to be angry?
I know a few people who have been faced with a life threatening illness, and praise God, they have also taught me how to persevere.  Some of my friends have gone home to be with the Lord, but the memory of their smile and words of comfort continue to encourage me.
Some friends will tell me I'm an inspiration... don't be fooled.  There is nothing that you see in me that is inspirational.  It is all the Lord.  I am so scared and panicked, I can only catch my breath sometimes when I speak Jesus' name, and pray for Him to give me His strength and peace.  Don't get me wrong, I appreciate it when my friends tell me such things.   That's proof that He is working in me, and I am grateful, but just realize where I get me strength from.
Last night I got my Life Vest thing to wear in case of a heart attack , since my heart is weakened by all the chemo I've had.

 We are working on getting it stronger , but unfortunately only with meds, not exercise, yet.   So I have this vest that is a wearable defribullator, and it is much more of a contraption than I expected.  Again, fear and anger, that I have to wear it.  The four other times I've had chemotherapy, I have been relatively healthy,as far as I can remember, some of it is a blur), and just did it and carried on with life, pretty much.  Now I am not able to drive and someone has to be with me 24/7 in case I go belly up.  What reason do I have to be angry , I ask myself again? I get angry because my life is so altered and interrupted.  I'm not able to do what I want to do.  But then  the Lord reminds me, I am well taken care of and am able to have something to possibly save my life, and that He is watching over me. Thank you LORD.
I think I am trying to convince myself into not being angry.
That's okay with me, it's a moment to moment journey with us all, isn't it?
I know God understands my anger.
You know what tempers my anger? John 3:16
For God so loved the world that he gave His one and only son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
I fail to remember this and focus on my difficulties going through my days. Why?
I have many blessings to focus on instead.  Here's one...
After the lady from the Life Vest company finished my "training" she prayed with us, she attends the same church that we do.  That was really neat, and another reminder that The Lord, my Savior has his eye on me.

Will I eva wear it?

I think I will.  It pretty much matches the color of my hair before it took the high road.
I get sort of lazy and don't even want to tie a scarf on my head, so on goes the baseball cap, but I can see myself making a little effort.  It is actually pretty comfortable.
Eda and I tried a few on that were a big no-no. Get a load of the gray one!

What about the one with the poof in the front?

Betty was taking pictures and my brother, Jimmy,

was there for support.  He's so great.  They both are.

Things have been ok here this week.  My cardiologist appt. got rescheduled til next week, so no life vest this week, but I feel like I am getting stronger.  God is good.

Truthfully, it's boring not being able to drive or , surprisingly, do housework.  My Mother and I went through my big Rubbermaid box of good knitting intentions today, and weeded through all of the half finished scarfs, afghans and baby hats I have started and lost interest in.
I seriously need a hobby.   I am going to attempt to start crocheting, I suppose.  I'll see how it goes.
One of the things I feel I should be doing is praying for other people.  I have got a lot of time, and I know that I have felt a calling to lift others in prayer, but usually get distracted.  Now, with less distraction, I feel like I am supposed to spend more time in prayer.  I know the Lord will lead me in that path also.

I find myself getting grouchy, very easily.  (can I blame that on medicine), I don't think so.  I think a hobby and spending time with the Lord in prayer will help with my attitude.

I know this feeling, because it happened before when I was going through chemo.  I feel a little disconnected from the world, especially with not being able to drive or go anywhere alone.  Great, now I feel like a whiner.  I know, don't say, I deserve to whine because of what I'm going through.  I really don't.  I really am blessed.  I am thankful.  Just cranky.
Ok, so new mind set,
Hobby
Prayer
and remember my blessings

My friends and family are taking great care of me and I don't have a lot of responsibilities to worry about.
Rambling again, right? Blah.

Well, I hope you like the pics of my baldy head

and new wig.  Did you know that they have fake hairy eyebrows, too.

 Don't worry, I will not be sporting a pair, unless I dress up as Groucho Marx.
Love ya, Joann
Here's some more pics Betty took. I've got to give her props for her picture taking ability. PS, Eda is the best. She put me at ease. Love her.

And then I put my hat on. Bye again