Not that great. This is an unapologetic post because I am feeling pretty messed up. ( I will probably apologize for something anyway).
Things are starting to sink in and I feel lousy. These tumors in my lungs have got me so upset and worried. I know, I know, it's all in God's hands, but I am really tired after 11 yrs , dealing with worry, and the doubt and the unknown.
I had a CAT scan today to see if the chemo is working, and I go get the results tomorrow from Dr. S, but I feel like I am living in a fishbowl. Can I complain, will it bum you out?
I don't want to worry or upset you, but I get asked all the time how I am, and I want to be fine and tell people I'm ok, but I am having a hard time.
First off, I'm not doing much as a Mother. My kids are sort of hanging on their own, and I am not doing much with them. Too tired in the afternoon, and I nap. I wonder if I am napping because I am tired or it I want to tune it all out. I really do want to tune my problems out. Sleeping takes me away. It's kinda sad.
How long will I be passing time? I really want to have joy, and peace. If I can ask you to add me to your prayer list for that I would love it.
I've never really been ill before, when going through chemo the ....four other times. This time, I just feel plain awful. My voice gives out, it's hard to breath and my body feels weak. It's not like I'm a powerhouse or a big go getter, but I used to be up for anything. Now , I really just want to be home.
I'm sure it's depression, I've been dealing with it for a while, and medicate for it, but it goes a little deeper.
I guess I figured that I could beat this cancer, that it would go away, and I would someday be totally healed from it, but cancer is so unpredictable. It seems like mine is a real stinker.
There is a good way and a bad way I look at it, depending on my mood. Good Mood= Thank you Lord, that I am here, 11 yrs later. Bad Mood= Really, Lord, I thought I would be healed the first time, four recurrences, why? Just get rid of it already, I know you are able.
It's just the way I am, no excuses. God can handle it.
I'm not being the kind of wife I should be. I love my husband so much. I want to support and love him and focus on him and help him with the load we are bearing. He is carrying so much of it. I'm letting him, and feeling sorry for myself. It's a hard thing looking in the mirror when you are bald, no breasts, no hair, and blah. Not the sexy Momma I used to be. I know he loves me no matter what and that is just a blessing. It's got to be exhausting for him. Ten yrs before cancer, eleven yrs after. It's been tough.
Wow, this is a sob fest, but I have to get it out.
I miss my ministry at the Hospital, and being there for friends that could use my help. I am blessed to have friends praying for God to give me a ministry that I can do at home.
Well, enough of that.
I am going for results tomorrow to see if the tumors have shrunk, and overall I feel I have an ok chance that they have, but in reality, they may never go away, and this disease could bring me Home to be with the Lord. I don't think I am ready yet.
How do I do it? How do I let go of the dreams I have of seeing your children grow up and have babies? How do I let go?
I'm jumping ahead, I know, but these thoughts go through my head, I'm not there yet. Let it go, Joann.
Think Positive, Think Positive, It's a lot harder than you think. I try, I do , but I've been burned a few times. I almost feel bad typing negative stuff.
Well, bottom line, I'm wearing a vest for possible heart failure, have compression stockings for a seriously low blood pressure( which I am not wearing, because they hurt), on twelve different medicines, can't talk very well, and have 6 tumors in my lungs and one in my liver from a breast cancer that I have been living with for 11 yrs. I'm sad, and scared. I wish I could find a good scripture from the Bible to put here, so that I could make it all sound hopeful. I know God's promises and I am not letting go of them. He will get me through this part of my journey. He will give me the strength I need for every day. I'm super nervous about results tomorrow. I really just want to go sleep now, but I know when I wake up tomorrow, it all comes flooding back. I hate that!
Everyone has got issues and problems. People die tragically, children, young adults and women my age.
I've got lots of people around me to support me and love me, but...I don't want to go yet...
That's the end of my really pathetic rant.
I'll let you know what the Dr says tomorrow. I know I'll be ok no matter what but shrinkage can be a good thing.
Love you all. I know this was whiny. I apologize, whoops, I said I wouldn't do that, Sorry..darn, I did it again!
G'night,
Joann
So glad you posted this. It's how you really feel and that's what most of us mean when we ask how you are doing. And you're right, God can handle your doubts and questions (Remember "Why have You forsaken me?"?) We will pray that you find new joy in unexpected places!
ReplyDelete~Diana
You've been stripped of all your leaves like a stalk of wheat that the locusts have swarmed. As I read your post I join you in your sorrow for what's been taken from you and reminded that God has placed it in our hearts that He is responsible for making everything OK ...
ReplyDeletein Joel:25 “I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten—
the great locust and the young locust,
the other locusts and the locust swarm[b]—
my great army that I sent among you.
26 You will have plenty to eat, until you are full,
and you will praise the name of the LORD your God,
who has worked wonders for you;
never again will my people be shamed.
27 Then you will know that I am in Israel,
that I am the LORD your God,
and that there is no other;
never again will my people be shamed.
Just saw your blog update . . . love you and feel so powerless. 11 years fighting cancer . . your body is fighting, that is why you are sleeping. Your kids know you are there, sleeping, but you are there! And, Praise the Lord you will be there for a long time. Rick wants you to lean on him . . . he is a wonderful husband! Love hugs and kisses to your and your family. kathy
ReplyDeleteHi Joanne, it's Kathy's sister, Maureen. Just a quick note to let you know that are always in my prayers. In my photo album, I have pictures of you from '89-'90 when Sheila and I met up with you in Disney. In one picture, you were wearing your costume and working at the Dumbo ride-- smiling away:) The second one shows you pretending to eat the one of the flowers from the hanging plant! You had a look of exhileration in that photo, so full of life.
ReplyDeleteFlash forward to the past few years. No matter how bad things got for you, I still saw your smile-- whether it be this blog or a post on FB that Kathy shared with me. You never gave up, kept smiling and moving on. Your kids are busy b/c you've fought and battled chemo 4 times and won. They have no reason to think this will be different.
I am not into scripture, but there is one saying I always remember-- God will only give you as much as you can handle. He obviously thinks you can handle alot!! As the first poster said, even Jesus cried out to God while on the cross. It's okay to get mad and doubt things. You've been through a lot.
I'm praying for you. Maureen
Hi joann, it's Keith. I am glad to read this last post because you need to get it all out whenever you can. I read Maureen's post and whenever i hear your name or read your blog i always think of The Ride to Maine in your Impala and the fun we had. Please know my thoughts are with and so are my sister Kellie'. Who went through so much chemo and radiation for her leukemia, and one of her nurses at the Dana Farber said always talk about what your going through and get it out. Your friend Keith
ReplyDeleteAwesome post! I love your honesty and I wish I could help in any way.
ReplyDeleteNow that you shared your pity party, it time to move on.
Change that nap time.
Just sit with the kids in the afternoon
(and do teenagers really wanna be with us anyways? haha)
Share with the Rickster- Im sure he needs that.
And lean on your GOD- that's what this all comes down to afterall.
Complete and utter faith.
Love you dearly, JOx2
MamaHouse
I do want to know how you are doing. You are human and so are we. It connects us as humans to share. It comes to my heart that no matter where we are on this path of life that we can learn from one another and see how we are all so similar. Maybe we have our different tastes in music, fashion, food etc but that is all so surface. On the deeper level we seek the same thing, love and peace. Your opening up to us shows us your humanity and your deep desire to have peace and love. I feel very connected to you in that way. Keep your head up and your focus on God and He will guide you even when you are napping. ;-) Love you Jo.
ReplyDelete