Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Psalm 42:7-12 New International Version (NIV) 7 Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me. 8 By day the Lord directs his love, at night his song is with me— a prayer to the God of my life. 9 I say to God my Rock, “Why have you forgotten me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?” 10 My bones suffer mortal agony as my foes taunt me, saying to me all day long, “Where is your God?” 11 Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

This is how I feel lately.  Life is a roller coaster ride.  I can be so up and positive one day, then down in the dumps the next.
This mostly has to do with how I feel physically, but also how I look.  I can't really explain  it  very well, I'm not vain, but the effects of this cancer and treatment on my body, outwardly , is shocking.  Especially lately.
I won't list my complaints or the things that are ailing me, I am just asking for prayer for strength.  Something about listing things makes me feel ungrateful, but asking for your prayers, and the Lord knowing what I need seems right.
My heart is aching for my family that have  to listen to me complain or see me cry. PLease lift them up also.
I  am on a chemo right now that is oral, so no trips to infusion room.  PET and CAT scans in a month to see how things are going.  My cancer reacts well to chemo so I am thinking things will be ok, but the thought of always staying on chemo is quite difficult.

On a happier note, my kids seem to be adjusting back in school well.  Sarah Jane started middle school, and is going to play the trombone in the school band, how cute!  Charlie is in 11th grade and hopefully will take this year a bit more seriously, he is also in band and loves it, and Jimmy started college classes at BCC.  My sweet husband is a steady as they come.  He's such a good man, taking care of everything.  I love him so much. Best move I ever made, marrying him.
That's all for now.
Love Joann

Friday, August 10, 2012

Doin' Well

Finally a post to say I am doing well. Breathing better, on a new chemo that is hopefully kicking cancer butt, and eating more.
 A bit of drama this month in the House of Rootsey, but we are all staying tight. (whatever that means, it sounds cool, right) Kiddos, minus one back to school and doing well, I think. Oldest kid, sleeping a lot, but starts college classes soon. That will be interesting.

Me=Tired of feeling down. Trying to always look up.

Well, I had another prayer time that I was hesitant to write about. I did not know how to phrase it.
Just going to ramble and hopefully make a point.

I was in the shower having some prayer time. A bit overwhelmed. I have been studying (listening to on Audible)1st and 2nd Samuel and a bit of 1 Kings. There's an awful lot of tough stuff to understand. I'll admit, it's hard to make sense of. All of the death and judgement, sacrifices and warfare. Heavy stuff.
During prayer, I felt so overwhelmed and discouraged. I was thinking God was pretty mean and angry.

I think it was not too long after the shooting in Colorado. I didn't know how to pray. Just tears. Emotions were a little piled up.
God can be so hard to understand, but then the Lord's rebuke to Job came to mind.
  “Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation? Tell me, if you understand".
Nope, don't understand.
I stopped whining. Well, I stopped whining for a bit.
But, "I am The Lord's beloved, so why so much struggling?Whaa-whaa".
Then a "Shush", (seriously, am I weird? These conversations happen in my shower!)

 I starting thinking about what I would look like standing before him. Humble, meek, but healthy and restored. Then I started to see a crown, and picturing it beautiful and sparkling. I thought,
 "How awesome to stand before you, Savior, with this crown and be able to take it off and place it at your feet. You deserve a much larger crown, Lord. Let me lay a bigger one down."
No answer, just a feeling that I need to think about what He laid down for me.
For a moment, just a moment, I thought, "I really would love to lay a bigger crown at your feet", "but wait, wait, I don't think I can go any bigger...forget I said that, God., this one is a good."
  My Grace is sufficient, My Grace is sufficient.
That's all that went through my mind. Whatever the size of my crown, or the length of this trial,or
questions I have about His judgement, He is sufficient, and He is always just, and He is Oh so mighty.
I still have doubts, fear, and questions, but I also know that promise is true.
His sufficiency.
I'm trying to wind this up poetically, or make a big point.
It's not coming to me, so I will just end it with this bit of Scripture

Job 42 Then Job replied to the Lord: 2 “I know that you can do all things; no purpose of yours can be thwarted.



Good night. I will try to remember what I have learned. PLease let me know what you think of my ramblings. Good or bad. It's all good. Here's a cute video for you, just to lighten things up.

Love, Joann

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Back To School!

Next week, two kiddos head back to school.
The other to start his AA.  Wow, it's been a tough 8 months for us but I am doing ok.  Kids and husband are doing terrific.  I'm on a new regimen of Tykerb and Xeloda.  We will see how that works in a month or so..praying
I've got a fair amount of neuropathy in one hand and both feet.  It's very irritating, especially when trying to fill out all those registration forms for kids.  ARRGGH.  I was also diagnosed with a pretty severe form of asthma, which the pulmonologist says I have probably had all along, just got used to breathing difficulties.
Brighter days are coming!  I know it!
I'm looking forward to settling into a schedule again, as I am not an early riser, and we all need a bit of structure.
Short Post.
Learning from the Lord as always, but very tired of this.   Learning to surrender, but so hard to let go of control.

Love you,
Joann

PS. This is the first selection that I have ever read from AW Tozer. I wish I wrote this! How perfectly stated and wonderfully beautiful.

Father, I want to know Thee, but my coward heart fears to give up its toys. I cannot part with them without inward bleeding, and I do not try to hide from Thee the terror of the parting. I come trembling, but I do come. Please root from my heart all those things which I have cherished so long and which have become a very part of my living self, so that Thou mayest enter and dwell there without a rival. Then shalt Thou make the place of Thy feet glorious. Then shall my heart have no need of the sun to shine in it, for Thyself wilt be the light of it, and there shall be no night there. In Jesus Name, Amen. 

A. W. Tozer
The Works Of A. W. Tozer