Too Heavy a Load for Me

Matthew 11:28-30

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

²⁸ “ Come to Me, all ^[a]who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For My yoke is^[b]easy and My burden is light.”

It's been a while since I have updated this blog.  I had a wonderful vacation to Maine with my husband and kids to attend a family wedding, and relax at my Mom's home in the mountains.  It was terrific.  I will post some pics when Rick gets them edited.
This post's title has to do with how I'm feeling.
I have to admit that I can smile and tell you things are fine, because I don't want to worry people or make anyone feel like I can't handle what is happening. I can give you some scripture, tell you what neat things God is doing in my life and hope to encourage you with a struggle you might be going through.  The truth is, I am tired, and worn out and sad.  After a tough week of struggling to breath and calm down after panic attacks, and a good talk with my Mother in law, I now am beginning to  understand that I can't carry this load.  All of my intentions are pure.  I'm not trying to lead any one astray or fool them, or try to make myself look like I am resilient.  I just want to make God look good.
I can't do that, and He doesn't need my help anyway. Truth is, I'm relieved.
Jesus says His burden is light. Mine is not.  He wants to take it from me, but for some reason I cannot hand it over to Him and just have peace.
I've read some pretty hurtful things bout people who are ill, lately.  That they can bring it about themselves, not have enough faith to be healed, identify themselves by their illness, or that they just enjoy the attention.  Hurtful and sad. Let me tell you, I might identify with this cancer, it is a part of my life's story, but I don't believe it is the big thing in my life.  Had to get that out.  Thanks, it was hurting.
Anyway, things are moving along.  I'm done with Abraxane(Good night, Irene, as my Dad used to say) and hopefully moving onto another targeted therapy for HEr2NEU cancer, that is an oral medication.  My big struggle has been breathing so I appreciate your prayers for stronger lungs.  My dear husband tries to get me out for a walk every night, God Bless his pea picking heart!
Children are all fine, and amazingly helpful and supportive, as far as teenagers can be.
GEE, I don't really have anything to report.
I feel pretty crappy (pardon), I'm tired, can't breath, and can't feel my feet or one hand, but if that's the worst of it, I shall soldier on.
I do have a pretty bad attitude lately, and emotions are all over the place like this post.
One thing I talked about with Rick's Mom was that I cannot fix this, and that I have to stop trying to carry it all on my back.  It's hard because I am very worried and frightened and am struggling to let God            take it off my shoulders.  Betty told me a good way to start was to ask Him to take it for 15 minutes, then when things come barreling back at me, to ask Him to take it for 15 more minutes.  I don't doubt He will.  He is there, He loves me, He created me, He is never going to leave me, and He will walk me through this.  I'm trying to learn how to handle things and I so appreciate your love and prayers.
No real deep thoughts just opening my heart up.  I'm tired.