As a friend....what can I do (or NOT do)?

Helpful Friends
by Rick (Joann's husband)


In times like these the help of friends and family are invaluable. How we could make it through these times without the generosity of a family member or friend bringing meals, providing a ride, sitting with Joann when she needs companionship while I'm away/at work, or even providing the companionship when I'm running low on the energy and enthusiasm needed (I know it must be shocking to think that I could run low...but I think everyone does)? These things are always appreciated.


Sharing Advice...
This is where things get tricky, and if you're a friend with thin skin you may not like this part. 


Sharing Treatment Advice...
Joann has been fighting with cancer for more than ten years, and you'd be surprised what we've learned about treatments, diagnosis, surgery, insurance, and a multitude of other related topics in that time. But the most important thing we've learned is that this experience is unique to each individual. If statistics were equivalent to prognoses, Joann would not be here today. If a certain medical treatment was the answer, she would already be cured. I say this because of comments similar to this..."Oh, you don't want to do treatment X, that didn't work for me/my wife/my friend/a friend of a friend/etc...You should try treatment Y!". It's pretentious to think you may know more about her particular cancer than she, we, or her doctor does. Even after ten years and dozens of surgeries and treatments, I would not pretend to be able to offer treatment advice. Even if someone simply wanted to know what to expect, I would be careful to caveat everything with "Our experience WAS...your's may be different."


If you've heard of a treatment or trial, share a link. If you've had a good experience with a particular Doctor or facility, feel free to share the experience. Just don't try to diagnose her situation or suggest you know a better treatment for Joann.


Sharing Spiritual Advice....
Both Joann and I are Christians. We believe God is real, is in heaven, and that Jesus is our salvation. We believe the Bible is the word of God, and that when our life is over on this earth, we will go to heaven.


Let me tell you what we don't believe... 
We don't believe that this will be cured if we simply believe/pray/confess enough. We do believe that this will be cured if that is God's will. People have told Joann, "if you're not cured, you must be doing something wrong (spiritually)!". I can't emphasize enough how wrong I feel this is. If someone feels the overwhelming need to tell/email/comment to Joann something like this....DON'T! Tell, or try to convince me and I'll make sure the message gets to the right place.


We respect that others have strong religious/spiritual beliefs that differ from ours, but I would suggest that sending e-mails, messages or even books that are counter to our beliefs, no matter how good the intention, are not well received. I do believe in sharing my faith, as I'm sure others do with theirs, but I believe making those beliefs known and being ready to provide answers to those that are seeking is preferable to providing answers to questions never asked.




Sharing "stuff"....
Joann has shared her needs with friends and family. In fact she asked for, and received, a lot of scarfs and she's been thrilled about it. Gifts are always nice to get, especially at a time like this, and those of you that really know Joann also know this is especially true of her. That said, I've got something for you to consider. I realize that this may make me sound a bit jerky (and can live with that), but if you're thinking of sending/bringing her something I have a few suggestions...


Clothes/blankets/hats/etc.:
Joann is not shy about sharing a need/want/desire with friends (scarfs for example). So if you think of something like this, just remember, our closets are just as overloaded as yours are (I think you know what I'm saying!).

Books/Magazines/etc.:

Joann has so many books in her "Kindle" queue, in various bookshelves and in assorted baskets, that she probably won't finish them until she's 90. And these are the books that she wants to read. If you really must send her something that you want her to read, it would be a good idea to ask if she'd be interested first. We have a few book shelves and they are full...our garage and large storage unit are also full. Are you getting the picture?

Tiny trinkets, sweets and treats, etc.
Now you're thinking...Joann loves this stuff and it doesn't require us to increase the size of our storage unit.


Sharing your feelings...
Outside the topics above...this is always welcome and provides more support than you might think. Telling Joann that you're thinking of her, or praying for her, or missing her, or how much you love her, does wonders. Knowing that people are out there that genuinely love her is powerful emotional medicine. I think sharing both your joy and sadness can help her when she's feeling down and thrown into a situation that seems so difficult, painful, and maybe even lonely. The internet is an amazing tool to bring distant friends/family close. Post comments on her blog, call her on Skype (even better with video), send her a message of support. If you're close by, stop and visit, give her a hug, bring her some yummy chocolate chip cookies (oh wait...that would be me wanting that...she'd prefer the hugs). If you're worried that you'll intrude, don't! If you call or Skype and she can't answer, she won't. If you want to come visit, and call ahead to let her know, she'll tell you if she's not up for it.




Sharing my feelings with you.....
Just so you know...I can be fiercely protective of Joann...especially at times like these. I love her dearly and will do what I need to protect her from the things that don't make her situation better. There are two people that know her better than I do, Joann and God. If you are not one of these two people, then I would hope this post will be insightful (and not too insulting). I want to sincerely thank all of you that have taken the time and effort to be so supportive in all the ways you have. I appreciate it, and I'm sure that Joann does too.