So I had my test yesterday. I do have Scanxiety as you may have read.
Betty said to pictures myself with Jesus in a flower field (I wish Betty would blog on here again).
Well, when I get on those tables, I get a rocking feeling. The machine starts up (this one is very quiet), but I squeeze my eyes shut, because it can be tight in there. There's also a bright light. I don't know what for.
So I started to picture the flower field, but it didn't work, so I thought ,"I'm in a boat, yeah, that's it"( said in a Jon Lovitz voice." I'm in a boat and Jesus has the rudder and the ropes, and the sail is full, and we are on the Sea of Galilee, going slow." "Keep your eyes on me, pretend the light is the warm sun". This was fine for the first ten minutes, then I get anxious,"20 mins to go ma'am" The technician says through the microphone.
Thinking"Ho, Boy, I hate this stuff, what is that machine seeing? How am I going to wait for results, what do I do if it's lousy, my nose is really itchy and my leg is cramped....should I shift my hip?'
Here comes His voice "keep your eyes on me"over and over, "Get back in the boat, I'm showing you around the Sea that I calmed in the storm, the Sea that I walked on", "I have a full sail and we are moving, you sit there and enjoy sunshine, and keep focused on me" I do, I couldn't picture Christ but I knew he was there, I did picture the boat, and I still had that rocking motion, and then it was over.
Sweet. Thank you Lord.
I thought about that a lot after. The boat imagery didn't sink in . I have been to Israel and know what the Sea of Galilee looks and feels like, so that part was easy, but the boat part, keeps me thinking. Me and Him in a boat just big enough for the two of us.
Well, that was cool.
I ate lunch with Rick and my Mom, Betty painted my fingernails because my hands are wonky feeling, then I got sick from something and stayed in bed for the rest of the day and night and woke up this am.
So that was a bummer.
But I have another test in a few hours.
I know how to get through it.
Get Back in the Boat
Hi friends. I've enjoyed a month of no tests and not too many Dr. appts, but tomorrow and Tues. I have a PET scan and CAT scan to see how new medicines are working. Therefore, dealing with a bad case of Scanxiety. I'm sure a lot of you may face it too, and know what I'm talking about.
I'll admit it's ben a tough 8 months on chemo. I've lost a lot of weight and had many side effects from chemo. Too many to list without sounding like a huge baby.
I wish I could say my resolve is strong but I am worn out. Probably most of it is self-induced. Pretty depressing and pretty depressed, makes me not want to do much and hermit-ise myself.
As much as I am thankful for still being here after 11 yrs of a tough diagnosis, it's been a totally different life than I thought it would be. I continue to think of myself as a healthy person but I'm not. Before cancer I was very strong and fairly fit. Hardly ever had a cold. I miss that. The hardest thing to deal with right now is my weak voice and neuropathy in hands and feet.
It's humbling to be that woman or Mom or friend that is sick. I was different before, and I wonder, sometimes, how different things would be, with my kids, friends, marriage, if it weren't for stink in' cancer. Pretty much since we've moved back to Florida, I've had cancer. My dearest friends have only known me since I've been smacked with it. That makes me sort of sad. But they have all helped me get through and taught me so much about The Lord and what life is really about. Thanks, you know who you all are. Especially You!
Feeling bad for myself, you may ask? Why, yes I am.
Feeling bad for family too? You bet! My husband, who handles everything, my precious children who see me cry and have to deal with this too. My Mom, who I see cry because she can't make me feel better. Rick's parents who sacrifice so much for us, and for my dear friends who try so hard to help me and don't know what to say.
Am I thankful? Yes, for all the above mentioned, and so much more.
Would I be relying on my Savior as heavily as I am, if at all? I don't know. Probably not. I hope so, but trials are a way God uses to focus us. Kind of like the way you focus a magnifying glass into a fine point to set a leave on fire.
I don't know how much more chemo I will need, or can handle. It's poison for the sake of Pete. I sort of realize I'll always have to stay on something.
I also understand it might just not work at all. How much do I do? What do I do?
I'm listening to Bob Dylan as I write... probably not the most uplifting, Tangled up in Blue I suppose?
Don't think twice, I suppose? Knocking on Heaven's Door? not yet..
How about something totally cool?
Well, I've got a lot of things rattling around in my head, clearly, but I am thankful. I do have remind myself. There are notes around my home reminding me to be. T he one in the bathroom mirror usually is the most difficult one to deal with.
I see a lot of scars on my body and sadness in my eyes, but I am reminded of the one who has taken my scars and sins, and someday all my sadness.
Here's a little more Bob Dylan, although I changed "she" to "He", obviously meaning My Lord and Savior.
"Shelter From The Storm"
I was in another lifetime one of toil and blood
When blackness was a virtue and the road was full of mud
I came in from the wilderness a creature void of form
"Come in" He said
"I'll give you shelter from the storm".
Ok, well I will update you with test results when I see my Doc.
Honestly, besides the effects from chemo, I feel ok, so I think it'll be ok.I do appreciate prayers as always, for my family and me (or is it I). Feel free to correct me. Also, I don't know when to use "who" or "whom".
Bottom line, I take no credit for still being here after 11 yrs. I realize God has a plan in light of this stuff. Don't say I'm an inspiration, because, obviously I am struggling and I don't do this without the help of the Lord.
I feel strongly, lately, about the term " Survivor" as it relates to cancer. Call me ungrateful, but a sweet young lady (35 yrs old, with three young kids) just died from her cancer this week. Did she do something wrong as far as treatment that did not allow her to survive or be deemed a "survivor"and other women have done something right to survive? No, she did everything she could, more than you could imagine, but still the Lord took her home. That's ok. She was a "Fighter" I think that's a better term. I am not a breast cancer survivor, I'm a Bible believing , follower of Christ who is fighting a nasty disease, so was she. Sounds snarky, sorry.
Don't even get me started on Saving the Ta-Tas, or I love Boobies or even thinking Pink in October. That's for another post.
Listen, I am relieved and happy so many women are doing well, I know they should all be called fighters. You don't just sit around and survive diseases, you fight them. Some differently than others, most I know with the strength of God. I don't know how some women do it without Him, and I don't mean a god, I mean The God. The Three in One God.
I shall step off my virtual soap-box.
Please pray for
-good results
-my family that takes such good care of me
-thankfulness for a Good God that loves you, no matter what you think
